Dear Western Washington Drivers,
I have a bone to pick with you in regards to your driving skills, or lack there of. I just wanted to tell you that you suck at driving, and I do not. I don't know where you learned how to operate a vehicle but seriously you are really starting to irritate me and test my patience. As a commuter I am constantly reminded every day about the apparent lack of skill it takes to now pass the drivers test. I'm thinking I should be the one writing and administering the test, which personally would help out our public transportation system considerably since, well, there would be a lot fewer people allowed on the roads. If I were to be an instructor I think it would cut down on a lot of confusion. The first confusion being how to properly merge onto the freeway. Its not that hard, but I find that many WW drivers do not know how to merge, therefore creating a pointless backup on freeway on ramps. I understand you might be a little nervous about the other cars speeding towards you, and that you only have a limited amount of space to get up to their speed, but let me just tell you, your gas pedal will make your car go faster if you push your foot down on it. Try it sometime, that way those of us who are stuck behind your slow ass wont have to wait so long to get up to speed. Here's another tip when merging do us all a favor and use your blinker. *sigh*
Blinkers...They put them on cars for a reason, if you need to change directions or lanes this is when you use this little blinking light that will tell other drivers that you are doing something other than continuing in a straight line. No it is not just for decoration, and yes you should be using it. Think of it this way, if you use your blinker I wont use my finger. If you see that somebody is using their blinker and wants to get over, let them. It is not going to make your trip any longer and it is common courtesy. These are not your roads, you need to share them. Those of you that insist on driving very large road hogs of vehicles, need to understand that just because you are bigger does not mean that you own the road and are entitled to drive like the douche that you are. Really if you're truck is lifted and a 10 year old could walk under it without having to duck down, you're compensating for something and are a douche. Don't argue, you are what you are, you cant help it, and your car isn't helping you, we know. Larger vehicles are not entitled to cut people off and use the excuse, oh I couldn't see you, well that's because you didn't bother to check your blind spots. The bigger the car, the bigger the blind spots, as the driver of a commuter car you really piss me the hell off when you insist on cutting me off just because I'm smaller than you. I can see you, would it hurt for you to look at me, its all part of the job of being a responsible driver. My next pet peeve has to do with people who drive really expensive, over the top nice cars. I understand you have money (or a nice hefty bank loan) but that does not mean that just because your car is nicer, more expensive, trendier, does more cool things and farts sparkles doesn't mean that you own the road either. When you bought your car they didn't give you a "drive however the hell you want" card just because you dropped enough money on a car that could feed a starving country for a year. You got a car, not a right to be an asshole driver pass. Just because your car is pretty doesn't mean it cant be wrecked and that those of use with average cars wont hit you. You are not Danica Patrick and are not entitled to drive a million miles an hour just because you can, or because you feel like it.
Lets talk about the speed limit for a second. I believe that the speed limit is there for people who are driving whilst distracted. As a driver who has on occasion (almost everyday) driven whilst distracted I have found that it is a safe speed to go if you need to apply makeup, talk on the phone, change your ipod, drink a coffee, or eat a bowl of cereal on your way to work. (don't judge me, I'm a commuter!) I also understand that when you drive the speed limit you should not, and I repeat you should not be driving in the left hand lane, or the one next to it. It is not for you, it's for people who are in a hurry, or for people who are tired of driving behind your slow ass and would like to pass you. That my friends is what the left hand lane is for, its for passing! Its not for parking, which is what you are doing when you decide to drive the speed limit in the left hand lane. You know what is a good thing, cruise control, its amazing and as a commuter I often use it. What really irritates me is when somebody passes me and then gets in front of me and then I have to adjust my cruise control or pass them because the retard decided that they didn't want to be behind me and drive faster but wanted to be in front of me so they could drive slower, my speed didn't change, yours did. Don't make me mess up my flow!!
When it comes to parking, nothing is more irritating than somebody who thinks that because there is a line there they get to park on it. Well, actually, the line if for parking between and it would be really nice if you left an equal amount of space on both sides for the other drivers who would also like to park here later. Too nice?? Park straight you fucktard and leave enough room for the rest of us!! I will admit, I have been known to park diagonal or semi sideways on occasion but that usually only happens when the spaces are giant and are large enough to fit a semi. It's my spot I can park in it however I want, but you wont see me doing that in a normal sized spot or god forbid a compact car spot. Ooooh, compact car spots, these are for compact cars, not SUVS, trucks, minivans or tractors or for people who think their car can "fit" thus forcing them to exit through the back end of the car because they couldnt get the doors open. These spots are for those of us that have smaller cars and can fit into smaller spaces, it's a benefit of owning a smaller car, there are special spots for you that big cars cannot fit in.
Lets talk about roundabouts, I know they look weird, and I realize they can be confusing for you if you aren't used to using them but I promise they are a good thing. Here is a very helpful hint for those of you that are not used to driving in roundabouts, and its free...today only. Look at the signs!! They are not stop signs, if they wanted you to stop they would have put in a stop sign or a traffic light, which is why they put in yield signs. Those signs are there to keep people moving so that traffic slows down but doesn't create a backup like a stop sign or a light would do. They are easy to use, you just slow down a bit and hop on in behind the person in front of you, signal when you are done riding the carousel, and exit and go on your merry way. Easy, I swear! You do not have to stop and then wait a million years for the roundabout to be clear of any cars, that's really not how they work, and if you cant figure it out then maybe you shouldn't be driving.
The second to last thing I would like to say to my fellow Western Washington drivers is that it rains in Washington. If you haven't noticed by now then maybe you shouldn't be driving in the first place. You know what is awesome about cars is that they have these things called windshield wipers, and guess what! They wipe away the rain! Want to hear a good idea? USE THEM!!! They are there for a reason, they are not there so that you can hit your breaks and slow down to the speed of a child riding a big wheel just because you cant see, if you used your wipers like any normal person would you wouldn't create giant backups on the freeway because it rains a little.
Last pet peeve before I let you go so you can go place an add for your car on Craigslist because you just realized you probably shouldn't be driving anymore...Is for people who have road rage. Road rage is annoying, I understand you think you are a good driver, but the person in the car who just wronged you because they weren't being a courteous, responsible driver doesn't care!! They don't care, and cannot hear you yelling at them so its a waste of energy. Now I'm not saying I'm Polly perfect and don't get irritated at other drivers, I just blogged about irritations for shit sakes but I understand that I cannot change the world and make other drivers as good as me by yelling at them or getting angry. I can however, post a blog and hope that some douchy drivers read it and get rid of their car because they realize they aren't doing society a favor and should be using public transportation instead.
Do us all a favor, if you aren't up to the challenge of say driving responsibly then maybe you shouldn't be driving.